WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!
I hate it when the whole country suffers because of one person's EGO! Damn you Trillanes! I don't even know you and I don't even care what the fuck happens to you and to your fucking MAGDALO monsters!
I was telling my friend how funny politics can be... it's like watching PBB all over again! Like these politicians hugging the limelight like some whore who wants to be a star!
To Trillanes and Gen Lim who ever you are... get a life! Go to IRAQ or Jump off a building and die! Don't mess with other people's lives because we have better things to do than be on the receiving end of all these drama!
NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?
things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."
'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
Why God invented menopause:
Once upon a time, a 70 year old woman gave birth.
BISITA: pwedeng makita ang baby mo?
MOM: mamaya na.
30 minutes after.
BISITA: pwede na bang makita?
MOM: oo, pero hintay muna tayo na umiyak kasi nakalimutan ko kung saan ko linagay.
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
PARI: 'tang ina! Di nga?
TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?"
a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?
Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
"uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......
BOY1: nkakakaawa naman lola mo.
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
why was white chocolate invented? So little black kids could have dirty faces too!
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
DEATH of MR.BEAN'S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak " LEON " baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.
MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.
sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!
sa loob ng mall....
GUY: love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
JOWA: ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since.
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang [expletive deleted]!
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! "GO NAY!!"
may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya, 'kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?' sumagot ako, 'mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.'
kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.
SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn't mean you can f*ck here.
summer job opportunities:
-tagatulak ng anchor's away
-tagalista ng noisy.
-tagahila ng roller coaster.
-for females only.
- alaska milk.
-substitute sa baka.
oh pili na. mahirap maghanap ng trabaho.
AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there's no need to ARG.
pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting her feelings?
"ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?"
what's worse than finding a worm in the apple you are eating? pag nakita mong kalahati na lang ang worm.
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you're so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing?
ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto.?
Tambay pare, tambay!
1. 1. Nora Aunor, Himala:
Walang himala! Nasa puso ng bawat tao ang himala.
2. Cherie Gil, Bituing Walang Ningning:
You're nothing but a second rate trying hard copycat.
3. Maricel Soriano, Kaya Kong Abutin Ang Langit:
Ayoko ng tinatapakan ako. Ayoko ng masikip. Ayoko ng mabaho. Ayoko ng walang tubig. Ayoko ng walang pagkain. Ayoko ng putik.
4. Alice Dixon, Lorna Tolentino, Nagbabagang Luha:
Alice: Mamamatay ako pag kinuha mo sa akin si Alex
Lorna: Ipalilibing kita.
5. Nora Aunor, Minsay Isang Gamu Gamo
My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko'y tao hindi baboy damo.
6. Sharon Cuneta, Madrasta:
I was never your partner. I'm just your wife kaya di mo ako niririspeto.
7. Nora Aunor, Flor Contemplacion The Movie:
I did not... kill.. Anybody!
8. Vilma Santos, Palimos ng Pag-Ibig:
Para kang karinderyang bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain.
9. Vilma Santos, Dolzura Cortez Story:
Putang-ina! (Slaps doctor) Diyos ka ba? Diyos ka ba para diktahan ang buhay ko? Ayoko nito! Ayoko nito!
10. Matet de Leon, Halimaw sa Banga:
Takot ako eh.
11. Fernando Poe Jr., Hindi Ka Na Sisikatan Ng Araw
Magtago ka na Balderama... dahil bukas... hindi ka na sisikatan ng araw!
12. Vilma Santos, Maricel Soriano, Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow:
Vilma: Ako ang asawa, kasama sa bahay, kasiping sa kama
Maricel: At ako naman ang anak. Ang anak, hindi napapalitan. Pero ang asawa, nahihiwalayan.
13. Vilma Santos, Saan Nagtatago Ang Pag-ibig:
Si Val, si Val! Puro na lang si Val. Si Val na walang malay!
14. Maricel Soriano, Lorna Tolentino: Dinampot Ka Lang Sa Putik:
Maricel: Wag kang maka-arte arte na 'kala mo kung sino ka dahil sampid ka lang dito.
Lorna: Hindi pareho lang tayo dito? Pinulot lamang sa lupa?
15. Nida Blanca, Magdusa Ka:
16. Nora Aunor, Vilma Santos, Ikaw Ay Akin:
Vilma: (Stares at Nora)
Nora: (Stares back. No dialogue.)
17. Roderick Paulate, Me and Ninja Liit:
18. Lea Salonga, Bakit Labis Kitang Mahal:
Hindi ko kaya maging purrrrffect.
19. Alice Dixon, Alma Moreno, The Rape of Virginia P.:
Alice: Inyang, ikaw ba yan?
Alma: Oo. You may kiss me if you like.
And my favorite....
20. Maricel Soriano, Zsa Zsa Padilla, Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin:
Maricel: Are you having an affair with my husband?
Maricel: Oo affair! Kabit, Querida, Number 2, Mistress..
Maricel: Wag mo akong ma-Terry, Terry. Iyong tanong ko ang sagutin mo. Are you fucking with my husband?
Ding, ang bato! (swallows the magic stone.) DARNAAA!!!"
- Darna At Ding (1980)
I remember this friend from elementary who I was so close to we would spend time together at his place or my place playing video games the whole day and would go to the mall and play arcade... I was really into those shit when I was younger. Then we just stopped seeing each other when we both went to college. I miss Alex... we used to talk on the phone even when we were both in college. We never got to see each other though cause I had to move out of my parents place and live alone.
Then came Gladys... my dance revo partner! Gladys is a very sweet girl who always have a smile on her face and would always find positive things in even the most depressing moments of our college life. Hmmm... I miss going to the ICT Center... I miss the guys I worked with... mostly students working as part-time programmers and analysts like me way back. I never saw Gladys again though we still message each other thru Friendster. I guess we both got busy with our jobs and that time my interests were starting to change.
Then I met Vince... one really funny guy who can't seem to get thru life without a partner. He's like someone who has to have a lover... funny but he always get to find one. Though I kept on reminding him not to trust easily as he gets hurt easily. We still exchange messages once in a while but things are not the same. I guess he's also busy with his work now doing events.
Then came Uma and his sister Rose. I remember walking in that room back in Elan Models International @ Mile Long Building for an audition in Makati and seeing them on the couch talking in Hebrew. I remember even asking if they were talking in French. I never thought that Hebrew would be common to my ear after a while. We clicked and from then we're inseparable. Then Uma had to go inside the famous house and I had to leave for Singapore. I remember having coffee for the last time before I left thinking for the best for both of us... I really thought I wouldn't see them again... then I came back and we decided to live in one house... which was one of the happiest moments in my life being with friends 24hrs a day 7 days a week. I had to move out eventually and they also had to move... we still talk every now and then but again it ain't the same. I met so many friends in the cruise Ryan, JD, Herel and all the cruise staff they were all very friendly as well as my bosses but I knew they have their own lives back home like me... I wonder how they are doing? Well JD is leaving for London and Ryan... well he's still here contemplating on what to do next with his life.
Now I have a new set of friends... stronger and I guess wiser friends... I have Lucien, Gerard, Fabi, Kris, Patty, and Jen who I seem to be spending most of my time with. I guess there's no such friend who would really stick with you from start to end but they would still remain your friends but in a different level. Some would inspire you... some would stay just for the ride... some would be your friend for the time being just to teach you a lesson or two in life and would end up as your enemies... but there would always be friends who would be there thru thick and thin. I am happy that I have alot of real friends... I'm rich! I know I am... not monetary but love from my friends. Thank you to my friends from way back and to my new friends.
To answer my own question... I guess there's no such thing as a perfect friend but a friend who can compliment you and fill in for what your other friends lack.
OK this post is getting too long... sorry I'm just bored thinking out loud.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy You?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.